from the mixed-up files of the county courthouse

Incident A.

During this time, the suspect ran 22 stop signs.

Incident B.

While conducting a helicopter search for marijuana fields, state police observed a man and woman sitting next to a mobile home. While one can’t know if this sight inspired suspicion, the man’s response, which involved running into a nearby lake, led them to contact on-the-ground law enforcement. Police reports indicate that they found the man treading water in the middle of the lake.

The man had no identification and gave his name as Mr. K­– [not his real name]; he spoke with an apparently phony Irish accent.

The subject in question was avoiding capture after allegedly absconding on bond from a previous incident [see Incident C]. When he claimed that he had not fled his court date, prosecutors argued that:

A man who shaves his mustache, dies [sic] his hair, assumes a false identity, and affects a phony Irish brogue to avoid capture, has a good understanding that he is likely to go to jail if and when he is caught.

Incident C. 

Two men entered the defendant’s property to serve a subpoena for a murder trial [unrelated to all incidents mentioned here]. It is likely that one of the servers had a vendetta against the defendant; he and the defendant were previously acquainted and he had volunteered to serve the order. The defendant came to the door with a gun and a mouthful of cuss words. He attacked the man he knew, although he and the other server eventually managed to leave the property: 

We got into our vehicle and at gunpoint waited for traffic to clear. As soon as it did, we drove away.

Records submitted in defense of the assault. 

March 10, 1998
Now the alleged Defendant is NOT an attorney nor does the alleged Defendant wish to become an attorney, but the alleged Defendant is stuck having to undertake his defense to the charges because of several factors out of his control. One, the alleged Defendant is a public person who is clearly constrovershal, because of his defense of the United States Constitute and this Constitutional Conservatorship has made it very difficult to obtain competent Counsel, who is willing to go to bat for the alleged Defendant due to this notoriety.

April 15, 1998
Did Mr. G– not understand the Kings English or was he here for no good deed. Now lets see, I’ll take Door No. 1, NO GOOD DEED!!! I do not think it took a ROCKET SCIENTIST TO FIGURE THAT LITTLE BRAIN TEASE NOW DID IT.

April 22, 1998
This is because Mr. G–’s brain is pickled in chemical valley, and he just does not think that he is going to get caught. They will believe every little morcel I drivel to them Mr. K– and remember I have friends in high places who would clearly like to roast your butt Mr. K–and I am going to help them!!!!!! Yeah and I’m the tooth fairy Mr. G–!!!!! Do NOT count on ANYTHING UNDER YOUR PILLOW MR. G–.

April 24, 1998
WRONG DOG BREATH!!!! I will jail you says the prosecutor or make you post a big bond.

What is perhaps most astonishing about all of the above cases is that they are not unrelated accounts, but appear in the records of one individual. Who, we might recommend, should henceforth seek only licensed counsel.